It has been a few months since Didi passed away and a part of me still does not believe it. At first it was too painful to even think about it, the sheer unexpectedness of it was a shock from which I might never recover. The sudden rush to reach her and see her for a last time were all a blur, and so were the next few days leading to her cremation and shanti pooja. My thoughts were to support my brother-in-law and her daughters, which allowed me to forget my own pain and sense of loss. And somehow through this entire process I suppressed the pain of losing someone close to my heart and did not grieve properly.

Now I can look back and remember her properly and perhaps confront my own pain and say my farewell.

She was a good number of years older to me, so when I was growing up, she was not really a sibling. Though we met frequently, she was not in my age bracket to ‘hang out’ with. My earliest memories were of her being straight and proper, elder sister in the household. Those of you who know me, know that I was a very naughty kid. For me she was not much fun to be with and was always telling me and her younger brothers to behave ourselves, and why we should not do this or that. I also recall that, even when she scolded me/us there was always an explanation for it. It was never “I am telling you, so listen”. I also recall her smile which was always radiant, but at that time of my life she belonged to the grown-up group, who was also a bit of stickler for all things proper.

Years passed. When we next met after almost 5~10 years, we both had changed. She was a mother, and I was a college student. A lot of what she was I would attribute to my Jijaji, it was always there but he bought it out from within. Now that I look back, she was never happier than when she was with Jijaji. I would always be grateful to him for that, and how he has supported and enriched my life over the years (that is a blog for another time). Coming back to meeting her after so long, the goody two shoe quality of hers, now seemed like wisdom to me, and the radiant smile had turned into a full belly shaking laughter.

I was in the age when I had a lot of girlfriends but no commitment. She moved to the city of my collage was in and donned the role of my local guardian seamlessly (how difficult that would have been I never asked). I always found it easy to confide in her and she never judged me even when I was a rascal. She taught me the trait of caring and yet not caring. Perplexing? I will have to go back to my Class 10th study material to make sense of it. Not many would have heard of an essay by Hari Shankar Parsai titled “Premchand ke Phate Jute”

At that time, I just Rattofied the solution but years later I realise the significance of it. Sandhya Didi exemplified it more than anybody else, for me. Should it matter what others think about you just because you have achieved something or are someone. important? Just Like Premchand’ s half smile she never judged us or our status. Now that I look back, she never judged anybody and as an extension taught me that. Her half smile like Premchand ‘s was always there but I believe most of it was inward then outward. I learned from her and Jijaji (somehow I cannot separate her from Jijaji), that what is important, is what you think and not how others think about you, and it is always important to look inward then outward when you are looking for solutions to your problems.

We met frequently over the next few years. Jijaji became a friend, philosopher and guide and my wife got along famously with Didi (she got along with everybody, but that is for another blog). As fate would have it, I moved to her city and we met every weekend if not more frequently. Her full belly laughter had not reduced but I was party to all her fears, anxiety and hopes for her daughters. These also helped me when I had my daughters going through the same phase/age.

Today when I look back, I never really lost touch with her, all her anxiety about her daughters and her husband are still very much alive and I feel proud to be part of it. Her daughters have grown up and are wonderful specimen, for which I hope my daughters aspire to be. Just like you did, Didi I hope my daughters can inherit and imbibe the values and principles which you gave to your daughters.

When I moved out from from Goa, I never really lost touch with her. Distance actually made our heart grow founder. And the confidence I had that she would always have my best interest in her heart never went away, even today when she is not here, I know that she is watching over me.

So today when I remember her, I remember the differences I had with her the most. She was always Dharmik and I was a follower of Bhagat Singh (Why I am an Atheist). I was witness to her increasing bhakti and her total surrender to Sai Baba. To give her credit, she never lost patience, with me or my better half, and her full belly laughter was omnipresent. We had long debates on why Karm, is more important than thought and her solution was always to surrender to God and to take things as they come.

Now that she is gone, will I become dharmik? I don’t think so. But whichever temple I visit today, I feel her beside me, urging me to have faith. How can I reconcile my faith, when her going so soon has shaken my faith more than anything else. All the platitudes of God calling good people early do not work because I still need her and much more than God would ever need her. I have always visited temples and places of worship as a cultural thing, as part of my Hindu identity, but after she went, it is as if she has left a small diya lit inside me and I it is my responsibility to keep it alight.

I feel that it hurts so much when someone close to you dies because they have left a part of them inside you; and a part of you is inside them. When she died, a part of me died with her, and that would always hurt as a missing part of my body and soul.

But a part of her is inside me, and as long as I live it will be alive inside me. So didi here is to be remembering you and keeping you alive inside me forever.

Love you and miss you always.