With both my daughters having moved out of the house and gone to college, we are suffering from empty nest syndrome. To be fair they had left the house 5 years back when they went to boarding school, but going to college is different.20 years ago when we came home with my eldest daughter in our lap(with perfectly manicured fingers’, God is still the best manicurist) there was the fear of unknown, a lack of confidence and anxiety on our own ability to cope with the new challenge in our life but now it is different. That was the first step of parenthood but we did not know what we were in for then and nor are we prepared for the strangeness’s of their going and the empty house. We’re just trying to get used to the New Normal. We were not prepared for the silence in our nest with them gone. We were not prepared to not see their sleeping faces before going for our morning walk. We were not prepared to not get a hug before leaving for office and hear the sleepy ‘bye’. we were not prepared to find something in the fridge which was bought for them but was not required anymore. We were not prepared for the lunch and dinner becoming such simple and listless affairs after they left. Yes things are different.

On reflection Parenthood is one long goodbye. The child leaves the womb; she leaves the cot besides the bed; she comes off the the bottle. She runs off in a park or a zoo (letting go of your hand) for the first time; she starts school; she’s gets too big to fit in your lap, she learns to eat herself and does not need you for it, She starts choosing what she wears and how she looks. She starts doing her own thing at the weekend. She stays out and gets back after you’ve gone to bed. Bye. See ya. Bye. And you get used to the farewell carousel. But this is palpably different.

For one it is the first time they will have an address against their contact in my phone. We’ll are still parents, of course, just parents of kids – sorry, what? – with different addresses. (Yes, the English language, has not bothered to find a word for adult offspring, even though they must have known that the “child” was going to grow up one day). This is also the first time they will be managing their own money, and will have significantly more freedom than before. Am I afraid that they will abuse this freedom? Not really. I am afraid of them having experience which are not shared by me, of having memories of which I am not a part of. I am afraid about the next time we’ll see each other more time apart will have elapsed than ever, so we’ll notice how each other has aged and changed – and we’ll notice noticing. I am afraid that did we miss something when we had an 18-year chance to do it – and is it too late now? I am afraid when they don’t call or text us thinking “why isn’t she texting or calling us? Even when I initiate the call or reach out to them. Maybe I don’t have such a close relationship after all.” For my part, I tell my wife , “It’s fine. They are just off exploring their new life”; but the fear remains. there is a whole list of worrisome questions which plague my mind unexpectedly and oddest time of the day and night

• What if they get sick? Who’s going to take care of them? And will they have the good sense to know where to get medical help?
• What if she has a psychiatric problem? More than half of college kids suffer from depression, anxiety or stress. And there are almost no resources on college campuses, and worse no education about mental health issues.
• What about the party life? Far too many students and young adults on their own or under peer pressure binge drink or use drugs. And many girls are sexually assaulted on college campuses. Statistics say one in five. Will they be safe? Will they know not to walk the campus or local streets alone?
• Will she actually do her academic work? Will she screw up without the daily monitoring and nudging we have provided for so many years?
• If she joins an activity club, will it be safe? What about the hazing and the crazy sometimes reckless things that kids do in Greek life?
• Will she squander her cash, and not be able to afford a cab to get home safely?
• Will I get called by campus security or worse, the local police for any one of a number of offenses — dealing or using drugs, breaking and entering, trespassing, assaulting someone, disturbing the peace during a late night bash? Hey, girls will be girls, but this is the real world and it is not clear they will make sensible decisions, or will be handled by the authorities with gentle kindness.
• What if people take advantage of her innocence and goodness? will she trust us enough to confide in us or seek solace elsewhere?
• What if she gets into a nasty relationship? What if she is abused, has trouble with roommates, loses her supports? Will she call for help? Can she trust us if she is in a really bad situation?

For years, our children came to us when they were anxious, hurt, or frightened. We became accustomed to validating them, providing comfort and support, and then encouraging them to go out and try again. Their attachment styles were formed relative to how we responded to them through a myriad of such interactions. As we comforted and soothed their anxieties, we typically felt strong and calm (or at least we tried to pretend). Now, they have left the nest and are out there in the world. Now it is our turn to feel anxious. We may be the ones who want to reach out for a connection to lower our anxiety.

So I miss them a lot and am taking the effort to tell them something although either they will disregard it or tell me that I have already told them all this

• Best years of your life- You have heard this hundred times from various sources including me,and it may be accurate, but it is not automatically so. Imbibe deeply of all that a College has to offer. Heap your plate with its academic, athletic, cultural, and social offerings. Never again will life mix youth, freedom, opportunity, and resources in quite this heady combination. If these are the best years, you must make them so.
• Do Not Fool Yourself; I Was 18 – Looking at me, you probably see “Papa” and “Old.” Do not fool yourself. Not one fiber of my being has forgotten how it feels to be 18 . If you have a problem, talk to me. Few things you say, will shock me, and there is every chance, though admittedly just a chance, that I might have a good suggestion. And while the law may recognize you as an adult, I promise you you still have much to learn.
• Terry Pratchett, said in his fantasy novel, A Hat Full of Sky: ‘Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.’ Remember this.
• I have loved you every moment of your life. Even as you have moved out, I shock myself by loving you even more. This love comes without strings, but life does not. If there are things you want to achieve, the knowledge you want to gain, or friends you want to make, it is now entirely up to you
• When you were born, you were defenseless. You couldn’t feed yourself and would have died without us. You were completely dependent on us. But, now are no longer dependent children. If you can get around in the world without us, then we have succeeded. Every parent’s goal is to make themselves obsolete and that is the heart wrenching truth.
•  The world will try to mold you into something unrecognizable from who you were made to be. They have covered you with their veil of perfection. Lies. Deceit. Striving. Their motto, posted on every caption, shone on every marquee, printed on every magazine cover is simple, but destructive. “You are not enough.” You should be thinner. Hair longer. Lashes fuller. You should wear this, and not that. You will see this reiterated in magazines. On TV. In advertisements. You will be accepted if you obtain these things. They will tell you your value lies in what you wear and who you hang out with. These things will cause a small little lie to plant itself in the midst of your soul. “I am not enough.” And in order to be enough you must continue to strive. Be more. Accomplish this. Excel at that. Buy this. Throw away that. My daughters, the world is going to try and sell perfection to you in a beautiful, shiny bottle. And I’m telling you this now so that you will know when the time comes: it is all a lie. the world is going to throw things at you. They are going to tell you lies that will seem like pretty truths. And it’s not going to be easy. However, no matter what they say, I want you to believe this one simple truth: “You are enough.”